The Battle Within…Invisible Wounds

In the military, we were trained to compartmentalize emotions, especially while performing our job(s). This, over time, can/will make it impossible for some to ‘feel’ again. Unfortunately I am an example of such things.

Each day is a struggle. I struggle to look ‘normal’ and blend in with my coworkers. Each day I work twice as hard to remember things. Each day I begin my waking moments in great pain, which I know will NEVER leave me…ever! Each day I embrace the fact that my future is going to be filled with great pain, agony and aggravation.

And yet I still get up and proceed through my day.

No one knows the inner struggle that each person goes through. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own world, that we get aggravated when others don’t confirm our pain and aggravation. We take it personally because we don’t voice our physical and/or mental pain. We internalize our feelings. We play a part, a part to keep those around us safe from knowing how painful we are.


We do this to protect those around us…and I hate pity. I truly hate that look in someone’s eyes when they pity me. I’ve heard “I was in pain…BUT NOT THE KIND OF PAIN YOU GO THROUGH” and other comments similar to that. My retort is: “Pain is relative, so me stubbing my toe may be a pain level 8 on a 1-10 scale, whereas you may break your arm and it only registers as a 6 on your pain scale. What is painful to one may not be as painful to another and it’s unfair to compare our pains with each other”.

That usually brings reality back to the conversation.

I can only speak of myself, personally, because I do not want to speak for others (despite knowing that so many other people feel as I do). With that, each person’s battle is relative and should not be taken lightly by anyone. Someone who gets ‘beaten down’ by another because of how they feel, will most likely never show any emotions around the witnesses ever again, in fear of being judged and ridiculed again.

My aggravation lies on many levels. I’ve pursued counseling for my PTSD and TBIs, and have had a couple decent counselors to speak with, but ultimately the sessions end with the counselors showing me that they are just going through the motions and not invested in me as a person. Was it a good place to vent? Sure. Was it worth the money? Not really, overall, but I’m not throwing in the towel yet. I believe there has to be a good Dr out there who will listen and interact with me to pull information out. To make me feel better internally, when all I feel is a dark, empty void, has been my pursuit.

On the outside I look great. I look happy, make jokes with my coworkers, hide my physical pain and move throughout my day being polite. Inside, my physical pain is excruciating. Inside my mental pain is worse than my physical pain.


I see the pain and suffering in the world today and want to help make it stop. I want the world to wake up to the corruption, the evil and the deceit from those elected into a position of ‘power’ FOR the people, who use that to hurt the people. It’s aggravating that these people continue to hurt society, ignoring our own citizens who need their help, only to protect bigger evils and getting paid greatly for their efforts. Yet here I sit, unable to help eradicate any of these evils.

What’s ignored? What is the public missing?
-The use of social media to corrupt the minds of the young and make them confused about who they are inside and out.
-The use of social media to block factual information, while pushing propaganda and complete disinformation pointing at the other side as they do it, and cry the victim when called out.
-The protection by these ‘leaders’ of domestic terrorists inside the USA, as they commit murders, arson, etc. untouched and WELL FUNDED.
-‘Leaders’ who turn their backs on the human trafficking problem that plagues this planet.
-‘Leaders’ who push the propaganda themselves, in an attempt to continue the current lie throughout their followers.
-Organizations that are aiding the big lie, while taking part in genocide.
-Crimes committed by politicians that we, ordinary citizens, would be fine/jailed forever for, yet these politicians (and others) still walk free.
-Politicians who took millions of dollars from the stimulus pot of money and gave it to their children and their children’s organizations.
-Politicians and media who protect these evil demons as they perform their killing spree across the country.
-The funneling of illegals throughout the country, flying them to multiple locations under the cover of darkness and dropping them off throughout various locations in the USA, keeping everything quiet.
-The funding of each illegal they funnel into the USA, using your/our tax dollars to do so.
-The illegal marriage between a politician and her brother so her brother could get a green card.
-The illegal government server located in a politicians bathroom in her home, whereas any/all government positions HAVE to go through security training and sign paperwork acknowledging this training was completed, yet she is walking around free.
-Hollywood pedophiles, exposed left and right, who walk freely amongst us.
-Hollywood actors who murder someone in cold blood and are never held accountable.
-A complete guise on the public, an act trying to convince the public who the leader is, despite a serious cognitive detachment of this person (which is elder abuse) and clear indication he is not in a position of power.
-The murdering of millions of chickens (to hurt the farmers AND food production) and turkeys with the claim of ebola being suspected.
-The train organizations being choked out and not allowed to transport 1/2 of what they used to.
-The fertilizer for farms, to aid in crop productions, being cut off.
-The ‘items’ found on the cargo ship EVERGREEN, which could have caused mass casualties.
-The suspicious fleet of cargo ships anchored for weeks/months? off of the coast of CA, with no explanations given.
-The constant proposal of bills into Congress and Senate, funneling (secretly) millions of dollars (taxpayers money) to everything other than American citizens.
-The proposal of veteran bills, proposed in Congress (Congressional Committee on Veterans’ Affairs), that are copycat bills from already-proposed bills by the other party. These politicians are aware of these previous bills, yet propose these copycat bills to clog up the committee.
-The Chairman of the VA Committee who allows copycat bills AND proposes his own copycat bills.
-These politicians, school boards, teachers, etc. who knowingly push CRT and other destructive topics to children who are information sponges and innocent in their pursuit of learning, trying to groom the children.

I could go on, but my main point is: you don’t know the struggle that each person goes through and in the minds/hearts of patriotic veterans, lives aggravation as they watch the country they sacrificed their lives for (and lost their brothers and sisters in arms) degrade in a historic fashion and feel helpless as they watch their country burn. This is a hard pill to swallow for those warriors.

We internalize our struggles and pain. This is why veterans have to fight for so long, in their pursuit to get disability ratings for their disabilities. We fight individually. We don’t think about getting organized. We also suffer from short term memory loss…as a society.

What does that mean?

It means: most listen to what the politicians promise but never follow up with research to see if these politicians actually fulfilled their promises. Most spend more time playing on the phone, than looking up the history of the politician they follow. This is our short-term memory loss. We remember snippets of information and use that to guide our choices.

This is why we are in the position we currently find ourselves in.

As veterans, we take our problems to a VSO of choice, sit down and listen to our VSO tell us they will take care of us, only to see a rejection letter from the VA 9 months later. We return to the VSO and listen to them promise us an appeal and ‘fight’ against the VA, only to reawaken in 9 months at the next rejection letter.

We also forget what was promised. We leave the VSO office feeling great that finally, someone has our back. Then we forget that an appeal was supposed to be filed. A year goes by. Then two. Then five and you somewhat remember an appeal for that one disability that you’ve never heard back on…only to find out (after going to the VSO and demanding a copy of your file) that they never filed an appeal.

This has happened to me, personally.

Do I lash out? Do I take it out on my doctors and VA staff? Do I stomp my feet and throw my fists into the air?

No to all of those questions.

It does no good to lash out. I try to find solutions to everything. Life is too short to let these people win over my life. I do my research and compile the information, so I can make better decisions to not find myself in these situations.

Do not assume you know what someone is going through. If you listen well and talk half as much as you listen, you can get an idea of how someone is doing. Do not push them, don’t poke them or demand they tell you what’s bothering them. Let them have the freedom to tell you or not, it’s their choice.


Never assume you know what someone else is going through.

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